Random Bunnies(Daily Prompt)

“So…that bunny right there….is that normal?”

I pointed at a rabbit in the hallway as I continued to inspect this new place to live.

“Yes, that is normal. The rabbits are normal. No defects. They are healthy and normal rabbits.”

I giggled.

“No, I’m not asking if the bunnies are healthy and normal…in that sense. I mean, is it normal for bunnies to be in the house. That’s like the 5th bunny I have seen IN the house hopping around…like that one over there, sitting on the bed in the room that I might live in. Does the room come with bunnies? Or am I taking the room that is meant for them to live in? I wouldn’t want to come home and have a bunch of pissed off bunnies looking at me crazy cause I took their room.”

I looked at my daughter who was watching this whole conversation.

“Dad, I like the bunnies.”

“I know you do babe…but this is probably not the place for us.”

We walked out of the house both laughing at the whole situation.

“Back to the drawing board right babe?”

Since my divorce, it has been a challenge to find stability. And every week is unpredictable. From which days she had with me to who would be picking her up from school every day. But, this latest development has thrown me off a bit. Last week, I found out that I needed to find a new place to live. I was shocked because it came out of nowhere and my mind started to spiral.

What do I do now? Will this affect my time with Bug?

Look, I hate moving. The whole process…packing…cleaning…boxing random stuff up and starting over.

After that conversation with my roommate I sat on my bed and looked at the room that I stayed in for the past 6 months, it hadn’t changed much. I looked at my closet and it still felt empty, I mean I didn’t have many belongings to begin with…I moved out with a garbage bag full of clothes and my Playstation 4.

I was sad for sure, but that changed quickly. I looked at my growth those past 6 months, the people I have met and things that I have learned about myself. The experiences I have had and my relationship with my daughter through this whole ordeal.

It reminded me that this is all temporary. This search for a new place…this situation…our time on this earth, it’s all temporary. So instead of bemoaning my present circumstance, I should embrace the process. Really, how else would I have found the Bunny mansion? It’s an adventure and I look forward to it.

Today’s daily prompt is “Temporary”…if you want to join in the discussion.

 

And just because here is Matisyahu and a song that means a lot to me.

 

The hardest few seconds.

“Bye, Bug…..I love you.”

The little girl looks up at me and says,”I love you too, Dad.” And quickly runs into her classroom with a small mass of classmates and friends. I can hear her giggling and laughing as she closes the door to her classroom. I watched as the the door closed and lingered in the same spot for a few seconds.

Those few seconds are the hardest for me to deal with. In that few seconds, my mind is cluttered with a mental checklist.

I only have Bug for half a week, so in that few days I make sure I catch up with what is going on in her life…friends…school…and make sure she is feeling loved. I am a firm believer in words of affirmation and my daughter jokes about it.

 

“I know Dad…I am awesome…I am smart…I am intelligent…I am funny…I am beautiful and a great friend.”

“You forgot stinky…you are really stinky.”

Going through a divorce is tough, but having to deal with how life changes after is worse. How do I explain this life change to my daughter? For her to have both parents every day…to only one parent every few days…to the other parent the next few days. A few months ago, it was tough. She asked me questions about why this was happening…

“Dad, why do you have to live in a different place?”

“Why are you not with my mom anymore?”

I practiced my responses to those questions over and over again because I knew they were going to be asked…and they had to be answered. My own parents went through a divorce but the reasons were easier to understand.

“Baby, it’s just not right for us to be together. We fight…we yell…we cry…all the time…for a long time now. I don’t want you to see that and live with that baby. We are happier this way. But, this has nothing to do with you…we love you to death…so please remember that ok?”

No negative talk about her mother and I will never do that. She is forever the mother of my child and the last thing I want is for her to think badly about her mom.

I used the simplest terms possible, but of course why this happened was much more than just fighting, yelling, and crying. It was much deeper than that, but that wasn’t something I would ever share with my daughter.

But, fast forward to now…and she is much more comfortable with this new arrangement. She has developed a routine and has even developed great friendships with the new people she has met that are in my life now.

The answer to that first question was answered….and was enough for her at that time. But, I know as she gets older, the questions will need to be asked again…and will probably include more questions.But, I am ok with that…when she is happy, I am happy.

The “D” Word

I am not ashamed to admit it…I love romantic movies. You know what I am talking about…boy meets girl…obstacles are in the way…but somehow some way, they fall in love and live happily after. Throw in Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone or Anna Kendrick and I am sold. But, sometimes we don’t get our happy endings. And it is a sad moment when you sit back and realize, “I can’t do this anymore.” The reasons don’t matter. It is purely a heart matter. Friends and family push you, “You gotta make it work…you just have to fight harder.” But, there is a breaking point. When you sit down and reflect on what marriage is and why you are married, you should be able to come up with many reasons why you should be married. The real issue is when you have trouble coming up with reasons why you should stay married.

I’ve had issues with anxiety my whole life. In my life, I have faced depression, physical and verbal abuse, and to top it off I was sexually molested by my babysitter at a very young age. So anxiety, paranoia, and depression have dominated my life. But, I had never had feelings of suicide until the latter stages of my marriage. That’s when I knew, “I can’t do this anymore.” I looked at the big picture…I had a beautiful daughter to take care of and she would need me to be alive as long as possible. So, the solution was to leave my current situation. Family and friends didn’t understand and my phone was flooded with text messages all asking me “why?” They attacked me without knowing the details. It drove me into a darker hole and I felt even more alone. He say/she say spread like wildfire and sides were chosen. But, in reality, does that all matter? The only person that could know what was going on in my heart was me. But, I was constantly told how I should be feeling and what I should be doing. So in the end, it felt like a funeral. Honestly, a divorce is like a funeral…once that happens, friends and family you used to spend time with during holidays, birthdays, dinners, and everything else in between were now cut off from you. It was a painful time for me, my situation was constantly brought up and talked about in family circles…and my name was dragged into the mud. Instead of trying to defend myself, I let it go. Why? Because what good would come from me doing that. In the end, the result would still be the same, I would still be divorced.

The first couple of weeks were tough for me…i woke up in the middle of the nights crying hysterically or feeling like the walls were caving in on me. But, something amazing started to happen. Friendships blossomed from places I didn’t expect and family members who I never really talked to that often contacted me and offered their support and love. It was overwhelming…the feeling of loneliness disappeared. And I found myself and renewed my fight towards mental illness. I never believed or thought I could start over and become whole again. But, I am. The most important person who gave me support was my own daughter. She constantly drew pictures of me and her together with “I love you, dad” and “you are the best dad ever.” She reminds me constantly why I am alive today.

Thank you Bug….Thank you Nerds….Thank you Nurse.

 

 

 

Starting over.

Starting over is never easy. As a kid, I remember trying to learn how to ride a bike and failing. I thought all you had to do was hop on and start pedaling….several bumps, bruises, and Band-Aids later I realized this was going to take time. A LOT of time. I gave up and refused to ride my bike. I would look out the window and see my friends speeding up and down the block and it would kill me inside knowing I couldn’t race around with them. There were times I tried to make it work..whenever I would play with those kids I would suggest things to do that didn’t involve biking.
“Hey, guys…let’s pretend bikes are hot lava….eww, don’t touch the bike…its hot lava..yeah, this is fun right?”
Nope. That didn’t work. So if I really wanted to still feel a part of the group I would just run along side with them while they rode their bikes. That didn’t work too well because I had asthma and would end up with my mom chasing after us with my inhaler. 

Anak, you’re going to get sick…here…here is your inhaler…”
Thanks mom for saving my life and making me look more uncool in front of my friends.

I know what you are thinking…

“Wait, is he trying to tell us he still doesn’t know how to ride a bike?”

Relax…I do know how to ride a bike now. I finally learned at the young and prime age of 12. And by that time, all my friends stopped riding bikes. Yay me.

The point is that I finally learned, yes it was late…but sometimes, life’s lessons are learned late.(that’s a lot of “L’s)

And I’ve learned in the last few months that starting over is never easy. And you are never too old to learn about yourself. As you get older, starting over requires more work. As a kid, I looked at my bike and gave up…I was tired of all the bumps and bruises. But, eventually I found the courage to move forward and start over. 

But, that process never ends. As an adult we are hit with much harder decisions that require us to start from the beginning. Do we give up and pretend our problem is “hot lava?” Or do we press on and find a way to grow? Do we try to avoid the obvious problem and work around it? Or do we look into ourselves and find the courage to move forward…

When I was a kid I told my friends that I didn’t want to ride a bike anymore…and I lied about why I gave up because I didn’t want to seem weak or uncool. They laughed at me and made fun of me. And as an adult, that doesn’t change. Your friends and family will disagree and judge decisions you make. But its the true friends  who will embrace your process of starting over. They will look and see the growth of who you have become and see your potential and love you for who you are. 

You are not alone. Personally I have found peace again. And when I struggled with starting over, hope and love came from unexpected people….family and friends who truly knew what I needed.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑